The second in the series of findom myths. Where we will dive into phrases that are commonly used in findom fetish by dominants. We will investigate what the myth is about, why dominants use it, how it is a problem for addicts, what is not true about it, and finally, what to keep in mind when you come across it.

What is the myth?

When a dominant uses the phrase “You’re just experiencing post nut clarity” they usually mean to say something like “You only temporarily now think you know what’s what.” When they are saying the addicted financial domination dubmissive (finsub) actually is not thinking clearly after orgasm/relapse, they have a point, as will be discussed later in this article. Additionally, orgasm is presented as something to avoid. But this is not implied by the myth itself.

Why do dominants say this?

By malevolent dominants, the phrase is used in a negative context. In two ways:

1. Told as something that is undesirable.
   This feels true to an addict because of the emotions they go through after orgasm. More on that later. A reason for a dominant to take this view is that after orgasm the addict finsub is no longer as gullible or as easily manipulated.
2. Used to discard critical comments made by a finsub after orgasm.
   Unfortunately, many finsubs go through that phase without aftercare. In that case guilt and anger can lead to lashing out against the dominant they just interacted with. Some dominants label the phase “post nut clarity” to invalidate that lashing out by the finsub.

How is it a problem for addicts?

Those submissives who engage in findom in a non-addicted manner with a responsible dominant simply view edging as part of the D/s powerplay. Indeed, edging is quite common.

For a submissive addicted to findom, though, there is more to it than delaying orgasm to prolong pleasure or subspace. For them, the altered state of mind promotes the increased risk taking, and for them this means crossing limits which produces an upward spiral effect. It also primes regret and guilt, which will increase the need for coping – reinforcing the addictive pattern. After orgasm, the regret and guilt flare up, among other emotions. To view that state of mind as clear-headed is dangerous because it suggests that the negative emotions that occur at that time are the baseline of normal life – when they really are not¹. This myth then in effect says that being normal equals pain.

What is not true about it?

To understand how the concept of post nu clarity is misleading, it is necessary to first understand what really happens leading up to and after orgasm. We will take “leading up to” in this context to mean edging.

What happens during edging:

• Theta and alpha brain waves increase
  These produce both relaxation and a heightened sense of focus. Those who have experience with edging will no doubt relate.
• Hormonal levels change
  With an increase in cortisol and adrenaline which are associated with a “fight or flight” response. For addicts, this change can be especially tricky.
• Dopamine is released
  Producing feelings of pleasure and reward.
• Oxytocin is released
  Which plays a role in bonding and attachment. There is not really any question here why many dominants want to keep the submissive in this state.
• The combination of the above may cause reduced the activity of the prefrontal cortex, which regulates emotions. In this case most notably emotions like guilt and shame are more easily discarded.

During orgasm most of these effects peak.

What happens after orgasm (for someone to whom it constitutes relapse):

• The surge of dopamine, oxytocin and endorphins ends. As sexual arousal subsides these neurotransmitters return to normal baseline levels.
• Dopamine plays a key role in the brain’s reward system. Feelings of guilt may be reinforced by its sudden drop.
• The decrease in oxytocin can result in increased feelings of loneliness and isolation. Engaging in findom exclusively online puts the addict in a more vulnerable state for this. And not receiving aftercare adds to it even more.
• Within minutes after orgasm the prefrontal cortex resumes (fairly) normal activity. It is this that gets interpreted as clarity. But considering all that is still happening at this moment on a neurobiological level, calling this “clarity” is a gross overstatement.

The above describes the immediate moments after orgasm. “Post nut clarity” is used more broadly as being the hours or even a day after orgasm.

So, what really happens during the so-called post nut state of clarity? Assuming the addict receives no aftercare, has no support and is isolated:

• A shift has happened after orgasm from a hedonistic state – focused entirely on pleasure, back to being self-aware. Thought processes start and “How can I fix this?” soon becomes top priority. The problem from a recovery perspective is that at this moment the fix is felt to be necessary now, or very soon. Which isn’t a good start to recovery. But this is still best-case scenario. Just as often thoughts will get stuck on going over what happened without coming to any useful or realistic solution. This is nothing more than negative self-talk.
• Feelings of self-loathing have nowhere to be resolved – this would require sharing them with someone to make it possible to receive compassion or simply to discover that someone else doesn’t loathe them for what happened. Being stuck in self-loathing is a path to anger. (This can be the moment where the addict lashes out at the dominant the relapse happened with.) If that anger then also has nowhere to be expressed it will turn inward, which puts acting out back on the menu.
• A strong determination usually springs up to avoid all stimuli that may put the addict at risk of relapse again. This sets them up for disappointment and further increased self-loathing if they are not receiving the support they need. The emotional process that follows a relapse is hard to navigate by oneself.

It can take a week or more to process all the above in sobriety and with help. On the condition that the negative self-talk was defused, connection was re-established with healthy support, and the relapse is now seen as a learning process. In that case THIS is the moment of real clarity. And this is when healthy decisions can be made (again, with help).

Things to keep in mind when you come across this myth

Every feeling you have is a valid feeling. There is no such thing as a feeling you should not have. The thought of not being allowed to feel something is harmful, and actually often a contributing factor to the development of addiction in the first place. Times of turmoil (which includes the relapse and coming down from it) are never good moments to make big decisions by yourself. There are just two things to do shortly after a findom relapse:

1. Acknowledge to yourself that this is a reality; this happened. You cannot fix it or undo it.
2. Then acknowledge it to those who support you – yes, this is hard.

Those strong feelings of guilt, shame, fear, and anger that arose after orgasm do carry an important message. Reach out for help to investigate what that message is for you.

---

General advice on dealing with any findom myth: remember that findom is a BDSM practice. And engaging in BDSM is commonly called “BDSM play”. Why? Because it is a form of roleplay. You live out a fantasy during play, and transition back to everyday life afterwards. If you struggle to disbelieve this myth or with separating everyday life from play, contact a mental health professional or reach out to the Findom Addicts Anonymous #f20s community via Twitter: @Findom_AA, via reddit: r/f20s, or to me directly: Kurt @InLivingColouer.

1. In recovery it does take time for the baseline emotions to adjust. Similar to physical withdrawal, except this mental process takes longer.