This is the first in a series of ‘findom myths’. We will dive into phrases that are commonly used in findom fetish by dominants. We will investigate what the myth is about, why dominants use it, how it is a problem for addicts, what is not true about it, and finally, what to keep in mind when you come across it.

What is the myth?

The phrase “it is in your genes to be a findom addict” and variations on it have grown in use, especially among dominants, over the past five or so years. This will have happened naturally throughout all the D/s interactions playing out over different platforms, and probably aided by dominants sharing their experiences among each other.

There is nothing inherently wrong with making the claim that “findom is in your genes” or that “you were born to be a finsub” when used as part of findom play. The key word here is “play”. During play we can toy with statements that aren’t true. We might want to do that because it makes play more fun. If a dominant says to a submissive: “What a sweet, good baby you are” as part of autonepiophilia (adult baby fetish) play, then it is done as part of the submissive’s fantasy of being a baby. The dominant does not genuinely see the submissive as a baby and the submissive wants to feel like a baby, but neither continue this idea beyond play.

But the phrase “it is in your genes to be a findom addict” as part of findom becomes a problem if the submissive is actually addicted and even more so if the line between fantasy and reality becomes blurry.

Why do dominants say this?

There are two likely reasons. It fits logically in the dominance and submission realm. It’s obvious that anything that suggests a submissive’s powerlessness can intensify BDSM play. A dominant would (as is expected of them) want to intensify play for the submissive where possible, while taking limits into consideration.

To suggest that what happens during play is a direct result of the submissive’s genes is quite a strong claim to their powerlessness. If believed, it would make it seem impossible for the submissive to escape such a cold ‘fact’. This can be fine if the submissive is aware after play, that this was part of the fantasy. In all, it is fair to say that this reason is a valid one as long as the fetish is engaged in in a healthy manner.

The second reason builds on the first. But to intensify play is not the end goal in this case. Rather it is a means to an end – the goal being to increase the submissive’s attachment to the dominant. Which in turn serves the ultimate aim: to keep the submissive spending. Growing attached to a dominant is not necessarily bad. But this would normally establish itself over time in a healthy interaction and would go both ways. Here, the attachment results from deliberate manipulation. And when profit is the sole motivation, the attachment is usually out of balance. Profit as the sole motivation also puts engaging in the fetish in a healthy manner at risk, to say the least. Common BDSM practices that serve to safeguard healthy play are in this case unattractive to the dominant. Such as providing aftercare: not doing so makes it more difficult for the submissive to come down from the fantasy. And to blur fantasy and reality can make the claim seem more real. In the case of a submissive who has admitted to being addicted to findom: using the occurrence of a relapse as ‘proof’ of the claim, with obvious harm to the mental state of the submissive.

There are a few aspects of findom fetish which, when engaged in in an unhealthy or immoral way, constitute gaslighting. Some dominants even outright say they try to gaslight their submissives. This myth, when used for the second reason, is a very clear-cut example. The dominant wants the submissive to believe the claim is true, not just during play, but that it genuinely holds true for their life.

How is it a problem for addicts?

So, if this intensifies findom play and that’s what both the dominant and the submissive like to see happen, what’s the issue?

It’s one thing to play with power in a controlled environment with informed and consenting adults; it’s quite another to bring that dynamic into our everyday relationships and interactions.

As stated in the second reason for dominants to use the phrase, it becomes a problem when the submissive believes the claim to be true outside of play. This installs a sense of hopelessness that feeds strongly into addictive patterns. And if an addict starts seeing a relapse as proof of the claim, suggested by the dominant or not, then over time they may feel they’ve not just been told it but have seen its truth demonstrated.

The belief then grows that “There’s no use in trying to do something about these patterns that make me feel bad. Maybe this really is my destiny.” This affects the addict’s willingness to explore recovery; to consider change.

What is not true about it?

There is evidence that suggests that genetics play a role in developing a behavioural addiction or compulsive disorder. Specifically, the workings of dopamine neurotransmitters are influenced by genetics. This means anyone may have a predisposition at birth to becoming addicted.

Genetic predisposition is a factor, but it is just one of many. Some other factors that can contribute to developing specifically an addiction to findom are:

• Availability
  Many fetishes are engaged in by meeting up with someone. Findom (as it stands, regrettably) is primarily engaged in online. This means it is available 24/7 because dominants and submissives are active in all time zones over the world. (FAA has members spanning the continents.)
  The impact of availability on the development of addiction has been studied in the context of gambling addiction¹.
• Shame and guilt
  None of us are uninfluenced by social norms.  This is very much felt by sex addicts. Where there is still much taboo on sex addiction, it’s easy to see this applies even more to addiction to a fetish like findom. Shame and guilt are two effects thereof. The former makes it more difficult for the addict to seek help. The latter feeds the addictive cycle.
  The impact of guilt and shame by social norms has been studied in the context of sex addiction².
• Lack of social support
  Similar to the aspect of shame listed before, but this factor zooms in on (even if the addict overcomes the shame) staying online even to search for help, as opposed to visiting a mental health care professional or support group. Since so little is known about findom addiction the threshold to seek help offline is huge, because of fear of not being understood or being seen as an outcast. If the addict then keeps their outreach limited to online channels, the findom scene seems to have this covered: recovery groups that don’t require any commitment are abundant on Twitter. But there are many risks to these Twitter recovery groups³.
  The factor of lack of social support has been studied in the context of gaming addiction⁴.

There are many more factors that have not been listed here that less specifically relate to findom addiction.

All the above factors have little to no relation to a person’s genetics. They are environmental factors. In other words: circumstances after birth.

When the addict thinks they are not able to stop because they “have it in their genes to be this way” this is actually due to having developed a dependency.

Things to keep in mind when you come across this myth

So, while scientific evidence shows genetic predisposition to addictive behaviour, nothing of this points in any way towards findom specifically. Your genes do not determine in any way that you are addicted to findom, let alone that you will stay it.

The damage addiction brings does not ‘mark’ you as having to be stuck in it forever. A big chunk of addiction recovery is working through the feelings tied to the damage done, and coming to be at peace with what has happened in your life and how it affected others.

To you reading this as a findom addict: Change is hard, but worth it. Change is scary, but you’re not scared of what’s to come, you’re scared of what you think may be coming if you commit to change. We all have a capacity to change. You are not what happened to you, and you are not your past.

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General advice on dealing with any findom myth: remember that findom is a BDSM practice. And engaging in BDSM is commonly called “BDSM play”. Why? Because it is a form of roleplay. You live out a fantasy during play, and transition back to everyday life afterwards. If you struggle to disbelieve this myth or with separating everyday life from play, contact a mental health professional or reach out to the Findom Addicts Anonymous #f20s community via Twitter: @Findom_AA, via reddit: r/f20s, or to me directly: Kurt @InLivingColouer.

1. Barnes, G. M., Welte, J. W., Hoffman, J. H., & Dintcheff, B. A. (2016). Gambling and problem gambling among young adults. Journal of Gambling Studies, 32(1), 261-279.
2. Reid, R. C., Bramen, J. E., Anderson, A., & Cohen, M. S. (2013). Mindfulness, emotional dysregulation, impulsivity, and stress proneness among hypersexual patients. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 10(11), 2932-2940.
3. Will be talked about in an upcoming article.
4. Kim, E. J., Namkoong, K., Ku, T., & Kim, S. J. (2014). The relationship between online game addiction and aggression, self-control and narcissistic personality traits. European Psychiatry, 29(8), 520-525.