These are some questions that may help an addicted submissive (sub) to get some perspective on the feasibility of this idea. The questions are written in a “you”-form to encourage honesty.

Things to consider:

• Did the dominant (dom) quit findom?
  If they have not quit findom it will keep feeling like a backdoor to the addiction even if the dom and sub never engage in it or if the dom practices findom in an ethical way.
• Are there non-findom-related channels to communicate through?
  Only connecting through findom related channels means the dom is closely tied to the topic of findom in the subs mind. Not having other channels will also hold the sub back when they are ready to leave those channels as part of their recovery.
• Are both you and the dom there for each other in times of hardship?
  If the sub cannot depend on the dom when times are rough, it begs the question what they are adding to the sub’s life.
• Does staying in touch never require money?
  This is self-evident: it is the exact pattern the sub is trying to stop.
• Are you never enticed to relapse?
  The sub might tell themselves that it’s a good thing that they never give in when the dom entices them to relapse. In truth it just puts an unnecessary strain on the sub’s recovery.
• Do you yourself never bait them for findom play?
  If the answer here is: “no, I do bait them” subs get kudos for having the courage to confront themselves with unpleasant truths. In this case the fact that you will not be able to stay away from findom with this dom.
• Do any of your closest friends or family know about the dom and how you two met?
  Secrecy is a silent killer in recovery. There should be at least one person outside the dynamic who knows the truth.
• Do you have a wife or husband who knows about this person and how you two met?
  Again, secrecy. If there is a significant other and they do know about the dom, you’re not out of the woods yet. For the significant other to accept this from the sub may well indicate co-dependency in the relationship.
• Is the relationship with the dom a healthy one (not toxic)?
  Any toxic relationship puts a strain on the sub’s recovery.

To have answered “no” to any of these questions implies that continuing with this person poses a clear risk to the sub’s recovery.

If all the questions have been answered with “yes”, it’s important to take a second good look at the last question. Is the relationship genuinely not toxic? Suffice it to say that “yes” answers to all the previous questions do not automatically make the relationship with the dom a non-toxic one.

Side note: the sub’s recovery is affected by any toxic relationship whether it involves findom or not. This includes a significant other. Many in recovery who attend S.L.A.A. meetings struggle with this. That’s not to say it is always insurmountable. But outside help will be needed at the very least.

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Whatever the case, any relationship with a findom/-me during recovery will be no less than ‘recovery rocket science’.

What that means is not so much that there is a 0.01% chance your recovery survives it, but that there is a big chance you are allowing yourself to stay in your addictive patterns.

The question, then, is not “Is there a chance this will work out okay?” it is “Do I really want to expose myself to the risk of staying in my addictive patterns for another few months or even years?”.

If you concluded that you need to cut ties with this person, but feel unable to do it, then maybe what you can do is to seek help for it. Finding yourself unable to cut ties with someone even though your health requires it is quite common among love addicts (S.L.A.A.). You will find much support with that fellowship in dealing with this. And of course, therapists and counsellors can help you.