To start, it should be noted that these are of course generalizations. The above three can be seen as a scale. In that case dominants could fit anywhere on that scale, having something in common with multiple types. The scale can be seen as going from least unsafe to most unsafe for a findom addict, especially where it concerns longer term interactions with the same dominant. That said, this certainly does not suggest that someone addicted to findom will be fine engaging with an ethical dominant.

Any dominant may notice through a number of signs that a submissive is struggling with addiction to findom. These signs amount to the submissive showing that they are actively seeking some form of self-abuse, while expressing negative feelings about doing so. But between these types is a difference in the likelihood that they will notice it, and an even bigger difference in how they are likely to handle it.

If you are reading this and you are addicted to findom you may find it helpful, after each description below, to take a moment to examine how you feel about it and to reflect. To this end, each description is followed by a few questions you can ask yourself.

You might be thinking at this point: “Why would I want to read about dominants in findom? They are abusing me. Any negative opinions I hold about them are useful to me.” If these are your thoughts, consider the following. Firstly, your anger is actually not towards these dominants themselves, it is towards what happens when you act out in your findom addiction. If you were an alcoholic, you would not be angry with the liquor store – or if you would, it wouldn’t do your recovery much good. Secondly, we get objectified when we engage in findom, but it goes unacknowledged that we objectify dominants as well. Doing so makes us feel more abused, which is what we are after. But if we can see the other – the dominant – as a person with their own life and their own issues, some of the ‘magic’ is dispelled. And this can help us to stay grounded. Accepting that neither can they fix us, nor we them.

The ethical dominant

This may be a professional dom/domme, or someone who understands BDSM concepts like aftercare and enthusiastic consent. This type tends to notice when a submissive is struggling. How so? Because their interest in BDSM includes caring for their submissives. If they have a history of trauma, they likely have worked through it. At least more likely than the other types.

Paradoxically, their confidence (which is not a facade) and their stability may be off-putting to addicted submissives. The self-harm an addict seeks is not something that they will want to take part in. Although they care, or rather because they care, they will not be easily tricked into giving the addict their fix. The addict’s fix is abuse – to them this is clear. They would instead reject the submissive in a loving manner, showing an understanding of the submissives situation.

Rather than taking it upon themselves to ‘save the submissive’ they would point them towards help – this is them setting a healthy boundary. If you see someone in a pool of mud, and you are standing on firm ground, clean, and holding soap. You would not get in the mud with them to clean them, you would encourage them to get out of the mud pool first.

Does the described scenario seem dull to you? Does it instead seem exciting? Does it leave you feeling some sort of disappointment, or relief? Are other feelings coming up?

The only-for-profit dominant

The least interested in BDSM, this type is also the least likely to notice that a submissive is struggling. Empathy is not easily found here. The submissive is very much objectified. There could be personal issues at play with this dominant, but if so, those are well locked away. They seem entirely oblivious to the fact that they inevitably engage with addicts in their findom ‘play’. Either way, if they do see it, they accept it as collateral damage. Or worse: they find it most profitable. Because it is exactly this disdain for the health of their submissives that attracts addicts. The addict – if they are honest – isn’t really in it for a fun time, they are in it for the rush. And the biggest rush is obtained through abuse, which comes in many forms. But where it concerns this type of dominant it will focus on extreme financial damage. This includes things like predatory or payday loans beyond what the submissive can pay off, or even stealing from a spouse or family member.

The only-for-profit dominant is not interested in building anything long term because it would diminish the return on investment. A new submissive is eager, a long term one may want to get closer to the dominant or start to expect more. So, without an interest in anything long term, it is fine to them if the submissive gets caught stealing and can no longer continue. The profit is made, and on to the next.

Does the described scenario seem dull to you? Does it instead seem exciting? Does it leave you feeling some sort of disappointment, or relief? Are other feelings coming up?

The troubled dominant

For this type of dominant there’s more to findom than the money, but not as much interest in safeguarding each other’s health as is the case with the ethical dominant. Troubled dominants will be more interested in building something long term because the depth that comes with long term contact enhances their own experience as well.

They are likely to notice that a submissive is struggling. They will appreciate the submissive opening up to them about this, just as the ethical dominant would. And they may be compassionate, but this can be simultaneously genuine and a way to enhance ‘play’. The compassion can switch back to only being part of ‘play’ at any moment. Where your vulnerability serves to increase the intensity of ‘play’. An example of this would be if the submissive discloses they are in therapy for their addiction. Disrupting the submissives effort to grow is highly intimate (in a corrupted way) for both parties.

The troubled dominant may also genuinely try to help the submissive to deal with their struggles. Dealing with their struggles would logically mean at some point to cut contact, but the troubled dominant then finds themselves struggling to leave the dynamic. This could be because the fix they get from the interaction has similarities to the submissive: a way to escape life. Linked to that is (contrary to the ethical dominant) that any history of trauma has usually not been worked through. And misery loves company, especially among addicts which here goes for both parties.

It would be too simple to just call the troubled dominant a sadist, because an ethical/professional dominant is often sadistic too. The difference is the function the sadism serves. They have a deep-rooted need to be sadistic, that goes beyond something they just like to do. In fact, some of them would say they are addicted too.

There is some merit to that if we freely define addiction as “something you are unable to stop doing that damages you”. Then the damage could be to their conscience: “I am abusing these submissives and it doesn’t feel right. That makes me more depressed the more I do it.” Or there could be guilt about neglecting their own lives with the energy they put into findom.

They should be seen as the most unsafe because:

• Their need for their own fix can lead to severely overstepping (moral) boundaries.
• The intimate bond between them and the submissive is based on perpetuating each other’s pain, not on mutually encouraging growth.

A person with mentally healthy decision making will let go of this. For an addicted submissive it just makes it harder to separate from them.

Does the described scenario seem dull to you? Does it instead seem exciting? Does it leave you feeling some sort of disappointment, or relief? Are other feelings coming up?

What do the answers to the questions you asked yourself, tell you about the way you engage(-ed) in findom?