If you’ve been around people in recovery from various addictions, you will have seen some ‘negotiate’ with their addiction. You will also have seen that this usually doesn’t end well.

A classic example is the alcoholic who decides that they are recovered now and when with friends can have just one beer. Or two. Or maybe just as much as allows them to drive. Or maybe take the bus instead…

Or they might decide it’s okay as long as they only drink on weekends. That would be Saturday evening. Or Saturday in the afternoon. Or does the weekend start Friday afternoon. Maybe it starts Friday morning…

…you get the picture.

There can be jealousy: “But all these people are drinking, why not me?”. Because you are addicted to it. Your brain works differently when you engage in your addiction, compared to people who are not addicted. Beer itself isn’t anything special, but it becomes something different to people who are addicted.

You see, it’s not the beer that made them an addict. They became an addict before the beer became addictive. We say, “my drug of choice”. That makes sense because that choice could have worked out in different ways. It could have been sex, it could have been cocaine, it could have been food, work, or gambling. One type of addiction might have simply fit you better, but it doesn’t change how it works.

It works? Yes, it serves or served a purpose. Circumstances at some point led you to need a way to cope. Over time this turned into a pattern. A snake biting its own tail if you will. If you are in recovery, you may have reached a point where that purpose no longer outweighed the harm it was doing. But those patterns have been deeply engrained and even though you are recovering they will not be erased entirely.

So, what is this building up to? Whether there are people engaging in findom in a safe, sane and consensual way doesn’t really matter. It’s a bummer but it’s true. What matters only is what is findom doing for and to you. Perhaps life seems too hard without engaging in findom. Perhaps there is some sort of relief in it that you need and keep needing. Just like something changes when an alcoholic takes that sip, you change when you dabble in findom.

The good news is. Instead of not being able to engage in findom, you suddenly find yourself with all this free time and all this money you get to spend to better your life. Yes, that might feel awkward. You might feel restless. We can call this the heightened responsibilities of living a sober life. It does get easier over time, and especially with help. Life gets better, a lot better.